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Thoughts on Brussels' week
20230508
This is a really weird feeling – just a few weeks ago I was deep on a 10-month search for a job within the digital democracy / online voting industry. In my head, there was a 50/50 probability between leaving Replai being a really stupid decision on my side or the best thing I could have done.
Here you are though, you made it motherfucker. I remember seeing CitizenLab several months ago and thinking how cool it would be to have the opportunity to be part of it all. I thought I could influence my chances of nailing a role in the industry by chatting with other peers, but in the end, it was a combination of the sheer luck of Yaesul leaving a few weeks before I contacted them, plus me having a killer profile for what they needed it when they needed it.
Last week I went to see the team in Brussels. I feel weird, and I needed to unpack it somehow:
I'm 99% confident this is the place. The team is confident, motivated, top at their game (at least the ones I met directly) and cherry on top, have a non-toxic relationship to work. This feels like late-game Replai, minus the part where I couldn't really connect with what I was building.
I'm feeling excited about connecting with these people, I like their stories and why they are here.
Somehow I'm still feeling slightly alone & lost. I thought the lack of a job was one of the main reasons behind my being unstable these months (I was running out of time to find something before having to shoot for anything UX related).
The feeling won't go away. After breaking up with Jimena, but maybe even before, something has been off. I felt like Aleida and I needed some time alone to cool it and reconnect, but I'm still not feeling... I don't know how to describe it but… hyper?
This is funny because CitizenLab was a culmination or at least the first step towards linking my work to something I can feel proud of. I really felt that was the root of part of my unhappiness, but I guess not. I do feel happy for being part of the team and I do feel purpose in waking up and working on this (I'm on a fucking plane to Vilnius as I'm writing this), it's the outside part of work that's missing.
I feel weirdly disconnected from my family, it's like they exist and are there but maybe I'm not actively exploring/evolving my relationship with them.
I feel disconnected from Aleida, sometimes it's just the sheer amount of shit work-wise I'm putting on top of myself, other times I think it's something deeper that makes me sad and disconnected.
I feel she is doing her best to be excited about looking for flats in Brussels, and I'm kinda reactive to it but not proactive.
I don't know! Last week has been awesome, but at the same time, I feel a weird void inside that creeps me whole. In any case, paraphrasing Laura, you need to celebrate your wins, and I'm celebrating this one! I used to be a Product Designer, now I have real democratic/participatory experience.
There's no turning back from this, from now on I'm fully focused on enhancing democracy, either from a government, private-enterprise, open source, or otherwise approach, as a PM, BD, GS, technician, designer, growth, or all of it, I don't care.